In pornography, there’s a whole category tailor-made for “uniform fetishists.” Performers can wear all sorts of uniforms — military, police, suits, white socks… it seems anything that signifies a certain identity is enough to send uniform fetishists into a frenzy. And generally, the more formal and solemn the uniform, the better the effect. Actresses wear princess outfits, nurse uniforms, stewardess outfits, police uniforms; actors mostly wear military or police uniforms, doctor’s coats, sailor outfits — and the S&M undertones embedded in all this are plain to see. In some erotic photo sets, there’s even an explicit category for “military/police uniforms” (like this photo of a soldier undergoing inspection). Of course, the evolution of the human species deserves some credit too — some uniform fetishists have shifted their worship of these cold-weapon-era symbols and developed into suit fetishists instead. The countless AVs filmed in office settings cater precisely to the tastes of suit fetishists.

This seemingly abnormal predilection has actually been studied quite extensively. Even the word “uniform” carries philosophical weight, symbolizing constraint, boundary, and authority. Without going too far afield, let’s just appreciate the WWII German Army uniform from the perspective of an ordinary uniform fetishist.

When it comes to the WWII German army, one can’t avoid mentioning their boss, Hitler. The man was a killer, but he was also an artist. He and the rest of the Nazi top brass had no small amount of artistic taste — they were mad for ancient Greece and Rome, mad for the masters of the Renaissance. With such discerning eyes vetting the German army’s uniforms, how could they not turn out well? On the left is the WWII German army uniform — just look at the feel of it: brimming with heroic spirit, commanding and imposing, radiating sheer virile force. It’s an essential prop for sexual flirtation and S&M role-play! Even the designers at Dior or Versace today couldn’t necessarily come up with something like it.

It makes me wonder — if Comrade Hitler hadn’t been corrupted by power, hadn’t ascended to that “throne,” would he have created a Hitler clothing brand? The British artist duo the Chapman Brothers had the creative idea of buying several of Hitler’s sketches at a high price, painting over them in vivid watercolors, and selling them for an astronomical sum. Their imagined Hitler was a hippie (If Hitler Had Been a Hippy How Happy Would We Be).

As the old saying goes, history allows no hypotheticals; but history can accommodate countless flights of fancy. Let’s set aside history’s bloodshed for a moment and dream our way back to World War II.

All images above are from German.Army.Uniforms.of.the.Heer.1933-45